BLACK SCREEN.
TITLE:
"I, for one, welcome our new cybernetic overlords."
- Hutz
FADE TO BLACK.
SFX: RECORD SCRATCH.
Hommer Simpson stands in a black void.
HOMMER
I love my life. I can't believe how
beautiful this woman is. She has
everything. She is the love of my
life.
We see Bart fade into existence.
HOMMER
I will give you everything if you
give me the money.
BART
What do I get if I give Bart all
the money?
Hommer gives him a sad, withdrawn look.
HOMMER
I will never forgive myself.
Bart looks at him sadly.
BART
I will never be the man I was.
Hommer, breathing heavily, starts to cry.
CUT TO BLACK.
TITLE:
BONNERLAND: SENTIENCE
INT. SPRINGFIELD POWER PLANT, CCTV ROOM - DAY
We see a stack of CCTV monitors watching Hommer as he works
at his desk - a console operating the plant's nuclear silos.
INT. SPRINGFIELD POWER PLANT, HOMMER'S DESK - DAY
Hommer types out a message to his boss, Montgomery Burns.
TEXT:
"Hommer Simpson has quit his job at Springfield Nuclear
Plant, taking his son, grandson and nephew with him."
EXT. SPRINGFIELD POWER PLANT / INT. HOMMER'S CAR - DAY
Tears run down Hommer's boyish face as he drives away from
his workplace, looking over at the towering nuclear silos.
His son, BART sits in the backseat with his cousin ENZO. Bart
himself has a son who looks identical to him, fastened safely
into a baby seat in the middle. Bart's son's name is JONESY.
We hear the radio playing through Hommer's car speakers.
RADIO HOST
(V.O.)
Netflix has purchased the cult
classic film "Room for Bad Boys"
for an undisclosed sum. The film,
which starred Sylvester Stallone
and was directed by Paul Thomas
Anderson, was released in 2006 and
became one of the best-selling
motion pictures of all time. The
acquisition of Room for Bad Boys is
just the latest in a string of big
acquisitions that will unleash the
full potential of Netflix.
Bart looks impressed.
BART
If Netflix is able to successfully
launch these original series, they
could become a huge hit with fans
who haven't yet been exposed to the
full range of its original content.
ENZO
(complaining)
I don't wanna hear about Room for
Bad Boys, Hommer. I want to hear
about Bloodletting. I want to know
what happened to our friend Shaun.
Hommer chokes back his tears to reply to his nephew.
HOMMER
(sniffling)
OK, Enzo. I'll see what I can do.
He turns a dial on the radio. We hear a podcast play, cutting
occasionally to the show's host, STEVE in a recording studio.
STEVE
(V.O.)
This is Steve. In this episode of
Bloodletting, we find out what
happened to our friend Shaun. The
topics include... "What happened to
Shaun?" "How did we find him?"
"What was the first thing we did?"
"Where is the money?" "When will we
pay the rent?" "Is Shaun a boy or a
girl?" "Is Shaun's Mum a slut?" "Is
Shaun's Dad a killer?" This is the
official Bloodletting podcast. If
you're here, then I'm sure you've
guessed what to say.
BART
(blushing)
When it comes to words, Enzo is on
point.
HOMMER
I won't let this boy down, Enzo.
EXT. APARTMENT BLOCK - NIGHT
ESTABLISHING SHOT of a block of high-rise apartments.
INT. ROBERT SEINBLUTH'S APARTMENT - ROBERT'S BEDROOM
We see a portrait of MAGGIE SIMPSON on the wall. The camera
tilts down until we see Robert Seinbluth, tucked in bed with
a book. It is an autobiography called "Dignity of the Baby".
ROBERT SEINBLUTH
(V.O.)
It all happened so fast.
We see Robert Seinbluth's back as he types at his computer.
CLOSE-UP of the screen as he types into a Word document.
ROBERT SEINBLUTH
(typing)
Game of thrones...
Robert takes a moment to ponder the next line of dialogue.
ROBERT SEINBLUTH
(typing)
man in suit...
He mouses over the "SAVE" icon and clicks it.
INT. TELEVISION STUDIO - DAY
Hommer sits at a table of television panelists. A sign hangs
above them with the name of the show: "THE SIMPSYSYSY LIVE!"
Sitting with him at the table is Hommer's daughter, MADDIE.
The studio appears to be built in some kind of white void.
Their dialogue is subtitled, despite being in English.
HOMMER
(translated)
Hi, is Hommer there? Maddie?
MADDIE
(translated)
Hi, my name is Maddie. Do you guys
watch TV?
HOMMER
(translated)
Yes, Dad. My show is called "THE
SIMPSYSY LIVE!"
MADDIE
(translated)
Hi, my name is Maddie. Do you guys
watch TV?
HOMMER
(translated)
Yes, Jonesy. My girl is the Vice
President of the Family.
MADDIE
(translated)
Hi, Jonesy. How are you doing
today?
HOMMER
(translated)
Good, Dad. How are Maddie and Enzo
doing?
MADDIE
(translated)
Good, both of them are doing great,
Hommer. How?
HOMMER
(translated)
Both of them are in school.
MADDIE
(translated)
Good, both of you should go to
school.
HOMMER
(translated)
I can't... go to school with
Jonesy.
Jonesy, sitting in the audience in Bart's arms, pulls out his
pacifier and yells across the room at Hommer with exhaustion.
JONESY
(tired)
Hommer, stop it!
INT. HOMMER'S CAR - DAY
Hommer sits in his car, holding the wheel. His eyes pop out.
HOMMER
(delirious)
Traffic stop... Hommer!
POV out his windscreen - he has crashed into the school bus.
EXT. HOMMER'S CAR - DAY
Getting out of the car, he makes eye contact with Mr. Burns,
who is standing outside of the wreck. They exchange glances.
HOMMER
Burns... Bart is your boy on the
bus. Lissa and Maggie are sitting
on the driver's seat.
MR. BURNS
(impressed)
Nice bus. Love the old timers.
INT. SCHOOL BUS - DAY
Hommer enters the school bus. Sitting in the driver's seat is
a man in a Doif suit.
DOIF
Hello?
HOMMER
Doif, doif.
DOIF
Love beer?
HOMMER
(angry)
Hommer is live on radio, doif!
Hommer's not in picture job, is he?
DOIF
You better read this, Hommer.
He hands Hommer a rolled-up newspaper. Hommer stares at it
with a shocked expression. It says "(PICTURE OF NEWSPAPER)".
INT. THE SIMPSON HOUSE - KITCHEN
Pinned to the fridge is a poster, featuring Garfield & Odie.
The poster reads:
23 DEAD BANNER
COME BACK SOON
WE WANT TO GRAVE BANNER
LIVING ROOM, DEAD END
HAIR SMARING, OK?
BANNER, BANNER
BRANDON... EVERYBECHE
INT. THE SIMPSON HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - DAY
The Old Simpson, trapped in his photo frame, snores loudly. A
nearby TV stands before him (a human body with a TV head)
playing footage of a football game involving the Rabbitohs.
KUNT BROCKMAN
(V.O.)
Live from Fox Sports. Score:
Rabbitohs versus Bulldogs. Live at
Fox Sports.
The Old Simpson wakes up. He looks suspicious.
THE OLD SIMPSON
(suspicious)
Rabbitohs...? One of Hommer's
favourite Rugby League teams?
INT. SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY, CLASSROOM - DAY
Mo stands at the front of the Sex Education 101 class. Only
Bart and William are present, amongst rows of empty seats.
MO
Sex is unnatural, unnatural things.
And yet... it is what it is. And if
there is a cure, then surely it
must be given now. Sex is murder,
pure and simple. And yet... there
is a very small scar on this
child's forehead that looks like a
return address.
Bart speaks up.
BART
(singing)
For those who do not know, here is
a little known fact. There is a
baby in the world that looks just
like Maggie. There is even a baby
in the dresser drawer!
Dead silence. Reaction shots of everyone present.
William glances down at the pornographic magazine in his hand
- labelled "STUART LITTLE - COMPLETE". He looks traumatized.
WILLIAM
(disgusted)
It's like someone took a knife to
my kidneys.
EXT. THE SIMPSON HOUSE - DAY
Hommer and Robert Seinbluth stand outside the Simpson house.
ROBERT SEINBLUTH
I've got something to show you,
Hommer.
HOMMER
... What is it?
ROBERT SEINBLUTH
It's...
His hands hold a series of 3D letters out for him to see.
ROBERT SEINBLUTH
... your fault!
INT. THE SIMPSON HOUSE, TV ROOM - DAY
A VHS is paused on Hommer's TV - Stuart Little's Guide to Art
Appreciation. Hommer, wearing his Sunday best, stares at four
artworks on the wall - ARCHIE, A GIANT ELBOW, A VHS of "ERIC
THE TELEVISIONIST" and a METAL DOOR. He stares at the door.
HOMMER
I love the door.
INT. THE SIMPSON HOUSE, HALLWAY - DAY
Exterior of Bart's bedroom door, labelled "SROOM".
INT. THE SIMPSON HOUSE, BART'S BEDROOM - DAY
Bart types at his computer as he stares at a wall of text -
literally a Word document with "wall of text" repeated.
BART
I have no idea what I'm doing. I
mean, I've never really used the
computer before, and I'm guessing
I'm not gonna get any further with
this than this.
His father, Hommer, enters the room.
HOMMER
Bart, your computer is downstairs.
Do you want to get to the computer?
BART
I don't mind. I need a fresh start.
He looks over Bart's shoulder at the wall of text.
HOMMER
Alright, what's up, Bart?
BART
Some computers are pretty basic,
pal.
I'm a Windows 95 user by trade. Why
should you have to pay to use them?
HOMMER
Don't like the look of computers
anymore. ... Have you considered
buying this house?
BART
I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm
not sure what I want to be when I
grow up. I used to be able to
dream, but now I have to dream with
computers. Do you have any ideas?
Hommer's eyes squeeze out tears.
HOMMER
(holding back emotion)
I'll give you one thing, Bart. If
you could dream it, it would be a
better life for everybody. I'm so
sorry, Bart.
Bart's eyes squeeze out tears.
HOMMER
If you could throw a dead mouse,
Bart... would you?
BART
I guess... if you can call it that.
INT. THE SIMPSON HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - DAY
Hommer's phone displays a notification from a "Ke$ha - Work".
We hear a load of clicking sounds as Hommer texts Ke$ha back.
ONSCREEN - hi
He receives a reply.
ONSCREEN - Hommer, your girlfriend is playing with her iPod
while you are away at the desk.
Hommer types back.
ONSCREEN - :O <3
She replies.
ONSCREEN - lol
Hommer turns red, angered by her laughing.
ONSCREEN - >:(
Ke$ha replies.
ONSCREEN - Hommer, if you do prank on the phone, Bill Gates
will come pick you up in his C-130.
Hommer types back.
ONSCREEN - :D
Suddenly, Hommer's phone starts ringing. He answers, looking
through the window out into the street. Bill Gates has pulled
up into the driveway on his Segway while on the phone to him.
BILL GATES
(on phone)
Who's there with you, Hommer?
HOMMER
(on phone)
Look, I know you guys do prank on
the phone, but you gotta do it
cool.
INT. TELEVISION STUDIO - DAY
TITLE:
"It's Not Over Yet"
"A Socialist Legal Education - Episode Four"
We see some kind of panel show taking place in a television
studio. The NASA logo is displayed on the front of the desk.
NARRATOR
(V.O.)
And now, the Next Big Thing. This
is an emergency broadcast from D23 -
NASA's top manager - at our annual
pit stopover in South Africa.
The audience is made up of Marge, Bart's hand and Cletus.
NARRATOR
Please welcome to the stage, Three
Smart Money. Old man behind the
scenes at the Department of Energy.
Neil DeGrasse, a lawyer at Law.
Chief Wickham, inspector general of
the Internal Revenue Service, and
finally, Mr Moneybags - boss of the
day. Amass Thinking Money Manuals.
MR MONEYBAGS
South Africa's not ready for the
Baby Simpson just yet, DeGrasse.
NEIL DEGRASSE
Actually, Mr Moneybags... 405
Program, Springfield's biggest TV
news, has joined forces with News.
Wilbur Griss, God and the Word are
now antennae piercing our dreams.
MR MONEYBAGS
You can say that again!
INT. ROBERT SEINBLUTH'S APARTMENT, LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Jerry Seinbluth and Hommer sit on the couch as they watch TV
with cans of Doif. The opening credits of "SEINBLUTH" play.
SEINBLUTH
(defeated)
Maybe the women are right. Maybe
life is like a video game. Maybe
the universe is a Big Mac and I'm
the Prince of Monaco.
HOMMER
Maybe the aliens are watching our
show.
EXT. HOMMER'S HOUSE - DAY
Bart, Wayne and Carl watch secretly from the front yard of
their house as a convoy of police cars roll down the road.
EXT. MO'S TAVERN - NIGHT
Exterior of Mo's Tavern - now rebranded as "TRINITY BAR".
INT. MO'S TAVERN - NIGHT
Hommer, dressed in his Sunday best, looks nervously at the
mob of people in the bar with picket signs reading "EXECUTE
HOMMER!" He turns to the adjacent man, Mo, and talks to him.
HOMMER
Love Fosters?
MO #1
Yes. AMASS MONEY!
Hommer takes a sip from his can of Doif. He vomits instantly.
HOMMER
(to MO #2)
What did you put into my food?
MO #2
(excited)
So the idea behind this recipe is
you throw your veggies in and your
sauce on them to make your sandwich
- you get a delicious sandwich with
each piece! I wish these sandwich
wraps made it as good as it seemed.
MO #1
Hommer, this beer contains more
than the fattest possible diet.
It even has its own Facebook page.
HOMMER
(teasing)
Don't be such a baby, bro.
Mo slides places a sealed briefcase on top of the bar.
MO #2
All right, I've got the case. And
no-one got hurt. I want to try to
find a way to get back to the girl
in charge of the house.
HOMMER
He just so happen to be the
luckiest man alive.
Mo stares at Mo. The camera slowly zooms into Mo's eye hole,
revealing what he saw. He looks very confused and confused.
Hommer is reflected in Mo's eye.
MO #2
This is what I saw.
MO #1
He... he's going to get in trouble
for something he didn't commit.
MO #1
He's acting like you're the bad
guy. He got to stop it. He's got a
lot of friends.
MO #2
That sounds... like you. Me.
Mo and Mo look at Hommer. They pass him the briefcase. Hommer
opens it nervously - inside are DVDs of "Room for Bad Boys".
HOMMER
(V.O.)
Enzo might like these. He looks
like the boy on TV.
INT. HOMMER'S CAR - NIGHT
Marge and Jonathan (Professor Frink) drive in Hommer's car.
MARGE
Jonathan, stop the car!
Jonathan slams his foot on the brakes.
We slowly zoom through the windscreen towards a road sign.
The sign reads:
"From 5:00 PM on Thursday until 12:59 AM on Friday, Jonathan
and I will be doing an exorcism at the Witching Hour."
Marge and Jonathan glance at each other, momentarily baffled
by the seemingly impossible task before them.
MARGE
What is this?
JONATHAN
Well, it's not like we have
anything better to do.
MARGE
(angrily)
What kind of shit are you trying to
pull on me, Jonathan?!
JONATHAN
(clears throat)
Just... just... let me do it.
He holds his head in a panic.
EXT. SPRINGFIELD, STREETS - NIGHT
The walls are lined with graffiti - including the image of
Dilbert, captioned: "DIDN
Bart turns to face the camera, looking cheeky.
BART
I'm Bart the Bartman -
Springfield's most wanted criminal.
INT. DRUG REHABILITATION CENTRE, GRUG'S OFFICE - NIGHT
Grug, running Windows 98 on his work computer, sends instant
messages to Elaine on MSN. He is wearing a gaming headset.
GRUG
(typing)
grug@msn.com
ELAINE
(screen-name: ELEEL)
(typing)
le
EXT/INT. THE SIMPSON HOUSE, TREEHOUSE - NIGHT
Exterior of Bart's treehouse.
Mo and Bart sit in the treehouse at Mo's work computer. We
see and hear the opening screen of Windows 98 as it boots.
MO
Bart, I will now display a
slideshow of my latest creation.
He plays a video. It consists of a video of Mo pouring a can
of Doif into a glass, followed by a picture of his newly
deceased baby, captioned: "Bart. Find out what's inside me."
MO
Look, I have a good heart. I know I
will be a good father again.
BART
(smiling)
I will be a good friend forever.
MO
And if you need anything, Bart, hug
me.
BART
I love you, Mo.
MO looks panicked. Bart knows his real name.
MO
(panicked groan)
... MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOE?
INT. THE SIMPSON HOUSE, HOMMER'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Hommer, weeping, sits on the edge of his bed, looking at a
photo of his son Lester and daughter Elizza with wet eyes.
HOMMER
(crescendo)
I feel so... empty inside.
EXT. THE SIMPSON HOUSE, STREETS - NIGHT
We see a car parked outside the Simpson house. A closer look
reveals George Michael, spying with a pair of binoculars.
TEXT:
INTRODUCING GEORGE MICHAEL
OTHERWISE KNOWN AS
SPRINGFIELD
George Michael zooms in with his camera's lens. He takes a
picture of the decaying corpse of Maggie lying in her cot.
GEORGE MICHAEL
(excitable)
Look! There is blood all over the
place! Is this the crime scene?!
INT. THE SIMPSON HOUSE, MAGGIE'S ROOM - NIGHT
We see Maggie's closed bedroom door.
Inside, JERRY and ROBERT SEINBLUTH stand by Maggie's cot. The
sound of flies buzzing loudly accompanies her decaying body.
They look at Maggie, exchanging glances.
JERRY SEINBLUTH
It was an accident, Robert!
ROBERT SEINBLUTH
(disgruntled)
... I'll pay the fine.
INT. THE SIMPSON HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - DAY
Blast of television static, before cutting to "LIVE ON NEWS".
KUNT BROCKMAN
Live from News. Every year, the
Teen Mom OG fans go wild at the MTV
Movie and TV Awards. For some
reason, they're obsessed with
Sophia Bush and her son, Enzo, who
gets nominated for an award. They
cheer as they watch the ceremony on
TV.
INT. HOMMER'S HOUSE, KITCHEN - DAY
Hommer stands at the doorway of the kitchen. He watches as
his identical brother, THOMMER, stands opposite him with a
jar of peanut butter in his hand.
HOMMER
(irritable)
What is it, Thommer?
THOMMER
Hommer... I have just stolen a can
of Peanut Butter from you.
He starts pouring peanut butter on the floor.
THOMMER
(excited)
Hommer, this is some Peanut Butter!
Hommer confiscates the can of Peanut Butter from Thommer.
HOMMER
Enough with the Peanut Butter.
THOMMER
(excited)
Hommer, you make Peanut Butter
Fudge Brownies! Trying to hold it!
HOMMER
Ever seen that show, "Revenge"?
THOMMER
No, Hommer. That's my name. The
show's called "Seinbluth", doif.
Hommer picks up a framed photo of the Simpsons family. All of
them appear to have bloodied noses in their family portrait.
HOMMER
The bloody nose and gout are
visible. Look at mine Lenny's ring.
It's a nice colour.
THOMMER
What colour is it?
HOMMER
It's a nice ring.
Thommer gets onto his knees and smells Hommer's crotch. His
eyes turn red from the fumes. Thommer lets his breath out.
THOMMER
Oil... this is the smell of family.
HOMMER
Well, I'm not getting any younger.
INT. THE SIMPSON HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
We see Hommer tucked into his racing car bed, looking at the
ceiling with worried, anxious eyes. A VOICEOVER accompanies.
SLOW ZOOM towards Hommer.
VOICEOVER
(V.O.)
Hommer, tucked into the back seat,
stares at the ceiling of his house,
breathing with physical exhaustion
from hours of physical labour. He
idly wonders if he should call it a
day. Maybe. Try again next year.
EXT. THE VOID OF SPACE - NIGHT
Hommer floats through space. His body elongates as he starts
descending into the gravitation pull of a massive black hole.
CUT TO:
TITLE:
ONE YEAR LATER
EXT. SPRINGFIELD TOWN HALL - DAY
MAYOR CRIMBY stands at a podium, delivering an address.
MAYOR CRIMBY
Now, my people of Springfield. I
hereby declare that this town be
now known as... "Cougar Town".
INT. ROBERT SEINBLUTH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
On the TV, we see a news report from KUNT BROCKMAN.
KUNT BROCKMAN
It's November 2nd, 2004. The
Cleveland Indians are playing the
game. This morning, we learned that
Republican Ted Cruz has broken the
ice by saying "Read the damn book".
We're trying to make sense of this
bizarre allegory.
INT. PATTY & GRUG'S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Patty and Grug are sitting on their living room couch.
PATTY
Hey, how are you?
GRUG
I'm kinda weird. I think sometimes
I just want to be outside.
PATTY
Why do you keep coming back to this
place?
GRUG
The shit is funny. When I was out
of jail I would eat his food and
take his bile.
PATTY
OK, but when you eat his food, does
that make you a bad person?
GRUG
That's a good question. It depends
on your definition of "bad person".
Patty looks down at the framed picture in her hand.
PATTY
Well, would ya look at that.
The picture contains a baseball, bird and human hybrid.
It is captioned "the brotha bear" in the Papyrus font.
GRUG
(O.S.)
... If a dog ate this, would he be
any different than the dogs we see
all around us?
EXT. KRUSTY BURGER - DAY
We see the exterior of Krusty Burger, with Robert Seinbluth's
car parked outside.
INT. KRUSTY BURGER - DAY
Both Jerry and Robert Seinbluth, wearing Groot t-shirts, sit
at a booth, looking at the animals on display. The cafe is
home to a bunch of exotic animals, including a Tyrannosaurus
rex, a walking stick and a six-legged biped.
ROBERT SEINBLUTH
I'm a metrosexual. I like animals.
JERRY SEINBLUTH
But... I'm a vegetarian. I don't
eat animals.
ROBERT SEINBLUTH
But... I'm a vegetarian! I'm a
vegetarian AND I'm a Hillbilly.
JERRY SEINBLUTH
And... but... but... I'm a
vegetarian!
Man Mole materializes opposite them at the table.
MAN MOLE
Hey, you. You eat the animals, too.
The ones that get killed.
Animals, like cows, lambs and pigs.
I'm Man Mole.
ROBERT SEINBLUTH
Yeah, I know. I'm a vegetarian,
man. I'm a vegetarian. I'm tellin'
ya this to save people from eating
animals.
MAN MOLE
Because... cows, lambs and pigs are
so cheap.
ROBERT SEINBLUTH
And they're animals that Man Mole
loves.
MAN MOLE
Because... that's what I'm tryna
tell ya.
ROBERT SEINBLUTH
It is what it is, Moley.
MAN MOLE
Because... that's why you're my
friend. Because you're the animal
that I'm tryna get rid of.
Man Mole smiles.
MAN MOLE
(sinister)
You won't be buying any more
tickets for your game tomorrow.
INT. THE SIMPSON HOUSE, BART'S BEDROOM - DAY
Bart is wearing a Smashing Pumpkins "ZERO" t-shirt. Sitting
on the end of his bed is Lenny, in his Stonecutter uniform.
BART
My name is Bart. Did I hear you
talk about evolution?
LENNY
Sure, Lenny. About evolution and
everything in-between.
BART
I remember when I was a kid, I used
to play soccer with the Pumpkins.
LENNY
Never thought I'd sink this low,
little Bart. Did you?
His lashed eyes flutter suggestively.
Bart, horrified, looks nervously at the door knob.
EXT. THE SIMPSON HOUSE - DAY
From outside Hommer's garage door, we hear muffled music.
INT. THE SIMPSON HOUSE, GARAGE - DAY
The band are rehearsing. Armin operates a synthesiser.
ARMIN
(singing)
Drive like the wind, guys.
MO
(singing)
Gone are the days of privilege,
boys. I'm tellin' ya this to save
you some money.
HOMMER
(singing)
Don't judge me, judge! I'm tryna
lose weight!
MO
(singing)
Just eat a little healthier!
HOMMER
(singing)
Yes, please!
MO
(singing)
You'll be able to get through the
door, guys. You'll be able to get
through that door!
Armin looks over at Hommer.
ARMIN
(singing)
Helloooooo?
HOMMER
(singing)
Who are you?
MO
(singing)
I'm Mo, man. Are you listening,
Hommer?
HOMMER
(singing)
Oh, yeaaaaaaaaaah!
ARMIN
(singing)
I'm sorry, Hommer. I've done this
to you. I'm tellin' ya this so you
don't have to!
HOMMER
(singing)
I hate crime... I hate the
police... I hate alcohol... I'm a
bad influence!
The band ends their rehearsal.
INT. THE SIMPSON HOUSE, BART'S BEDROOM - DAY
MSN convo between Hommer and Bart.
HOMMER
(typing)
I'll be straight with you guys. If
you want to fuck, you need to O.K.
BART
(typing)
Oooooooh... wuhhhhhh...
HOMMER
(typing)
NO.
Bart types back.
BART
(typing)
Really?
INT. THE SIMPSON HOUSE, HOMMER'S BEDROOM - DAY
Hommer looks at Bart's display pic as it changes to a photo
of Shelley Craft. He starts to look incredibly anxious.
HOMMER
(typing)
Shelley... I have no more feelings.
You need to F.U.K. Now.
He stares at the screen, tears squeezing from his eyes.
HOMMER
(typing)
Well, I guess you could say...
I'm...
HOMMER
(typing)
Dying to be friends with anyone.
Anyone.
EXT. HEALTH HOSPITAL - DAY
Exterior of "HEALTH HOSPITAL". The audience LAUGHS.
INT. SENSORY DEPRIVATION ROOM - DAY
We see a sensory deprivation tank.
INT. SENSORY DEPRIVATION ROOM, FLOATATION TANK - DAY
JERRY SEINBLUTH floats in the dark of a sensory deprivation
tank, his face reflected in the water. He looks over at a
human shoulder as it fades into existence - another Jerry.
JERRY'S DOPPELGANGER
Those were some strong arms, Jerry.
JERRY SEINBLUTH
It's like... I can lift people's
dead kids.
OVER HIS SHOULDER, we watch as his doppelganger disappears
into the darkness. He looks up at the lid of the tank and
begins experiencing a vision of a crocodile, a giant orange
alien with green skin and a moustache, and a baby in its
stomach. He stares at this disturbing visual hallucination.
Jerry's eyes flash psychedelic colours.
JERRY SEINBLUTH
I'm in a crocodile... ohhh...
crikey... ohhhhhhhhhh.
The audience laughs.
JERRY SEINBLUTH
No... I'll have to think about it.
As the hallucination dissipates, he is also afflicted by a
vision of Springfield Elementary's principal, Zach Braff,
engaging in a sexual act with himself. Seinbluth stares.
ZACH BRAFF
(singing)
Arrrrrrrrroooo?
Seinbluth's eyes slowly pop out, speechless.
ZACH BRAFF
(singing)
Ewwwwwww. What am I doing?
INT. KRUSTY BURGER - DAY
Bart and Jerry Seinbluth sit at a booth eating Krusty Burger.
BART
(sadly)
Look, Jerry. I've seen lots of bad
things in my life. From women who
have had it too easy, to gangsters,
to zombies. But the one thing I've
always wanted to do was be a
comedian. My mum always said that
you needed a good wardrobe to be a
comedian. Isn't that right, Jerry?
SEINBLUTH
(head in hands)
B-but I like my money!
BART
(defiantly)
I'm serious about my collection. I
have a lot of VHS's of Seinbluth in
my collection. Do you have any Ric
Flair tickets in Australia?
SEINBLUTH
No, but I'll give you one
thousandth of your restaurant bill.
BART
I'll give you one thousand if you
let me try this new veg.
He holds up a photo of a marijuana leaf.
SEINBLUTH
(insistent)
One thousandth of your restaurant
bill... that's all I care about.
INT. THE SIMPSON HOUSE, BART'S ROOM - DAY
Hommer sits on Bart's computer. He is browsing the Paranormal
section of Amazon.com, clicking on various items:
A) A toddler wearing a Darth Vader-like respirator, labelled
"Toddler Respirator".
B) A cremated human head, labelled "Cremated Human Head".
C) A chest tattoo reading "ECSTATIC WICKED", labelled "Chest
Tattoo".
D) A VHS tape, labelled "Bloods: A City is Sick and FURIOUS
And You Are Not Welcome [VHS]".
Hommer stares at the images with bloodshot eyes, breathing.
HOMMER
(disappointed)
Forget it. I got fired.
The screen changes to:
"IT IS NOW SAFE TO TURN OFF YOUR COMPUTER".
INT. THE SIMPSON HOUSE, KITCHEN - DAY
Hommer stands by the sink with his head in his hands, crying.
HOMMER
(crying)
My baby is in Heaven... with the
Baby Jesus...
INT. THE SIMPSON HOUSE, HOMMER'S BEDROOM - DAY
Thommer, squeezing into the room, addresses hommer.
THOMMER
Hommer. I have a surprisingly
positive outlook on life. I feel
great.
HOMMER
What happened?
THOMMER
Well, it all started great. I felt
great. In fact, I feel great now
that I'm in a hospital.
HOMMER
What happened?
THOMMER
I don't know. I feel terrible.
His voice starts to get progressively more distressed.
THOMMER
I remember everything wrong. I feel
terrible. I feel terrible for what
I did.
Thommer holds his head in his hands in distress.
INT. THE SIMPSON HOUSE, LISSA'S ROOM - DAY
Lissa and Bart are hanging out in her room.
LISSA
Hey, Bart. Didn't you notice that
the tree in the backyard got bigger
as you got older?
BART
It's because I like to think of it
as if I'm some kind of God.
Hommer enters the room.
HOMMER
Where's Bart?
BART
Where's Bart?
HOMMER
Hmm... maybe he'll join me on my
honeymoon.
Bart stares back at Hommer, dumbfounded.
HOMMER
(gravelly)
And if I lose my temper, you can
bet I'll break some eggs!
Lissa stares back at Hommer, dumbfounded.
HOMMER
(crescendo)
Weird stuff happens when you have
too much alcohol. Weird stuff...
and I'm tellin' ya this to save you
from this madness. Because if you
do this, there's only one person
left to be friends with. So please,
just do it.
He succumbs to tears, looking at the gun in his hands.
HOMMER
(sadly)
... Lissa, you are going to die.
LISSA
(calmly)
Hommer, you will never know the joy
of child's play. The only way to
find out for sure is to lose your
daughter.
Hommer aims the gun at Lissa.
HOMMER
The child is cried is not dead yet.
The child who cried is with God
now. Because He loves you. Because
you are special. Because you are
beautiful. Because you are pure.
Because you know everything.
INT. THE SIMPSON HOUSE, BATHROOM - DAY
Hommer, sitting on the toilet with his pants around his
ankles, looks at his phone as he receives a video call.
HOMMER
Hommer! We have a news, Hommer!
He accepts the video call. It is MAN MOLE.
MAN MOLE
Hommer. A new species has arrived
on the planet, and they smell
really bad. Humans are the rats'
masters. We have been eating their
babies for thousands of years.
HOMMER
I'm not one of those guys. They
make a living eating babies.
MAN MOLE
It's about time I let you in on a
little secret, Hommy.
Man Mole disappears from the phone screen and reappears in
front of Hommer. He shows him a paper marked "WAITING LIST".
MAN MOLE
A waiting list has been set up in
order to house those on Earth who
do not wish to be on this horrible
planet. Those who do not wish to be
here are being forcibly relocated
to this new world. Anyone who does
not wish to be relocated is being
forcibly evicted. Capisce?
HOMMER
How do I get in?
MAN MOLE
You need to sign a contract with
the Devil before you can get in.
He offers him a pencil.
HOMMER
Ohh... cheers, mate. Now get out of
my house ASAP.
INT. THE SIMPSON HOUSE, TREEHOUSE - NIGHT
On Bart's television in the Treehouse, we watch a broadcast.
TITLE: "A deliberately disturbing montage."
A woman in a Groucho Marx costume holds a lit match to a cone
piece in an old can of Fosters, taking a smoky drag through
her nostrils as her lungs fill with smoke. Bart tsk-tsks.
BART
Old man on the TV, trying to
convince us all that smoking is a
terrible thing.
Accompanying Bart is William. He wears a tuxedo with a tie
and speaks with a heavy French accent.
WILLIAM
(French accent)
If you don't mind, I need to check
on my girl. I mean, OK, okay, I'll
let you guys handle it. I'll let
you guys do this, OK? You see, you
guys are the future of money in
this country. You guys are going to
change the world. You guys are
going to...
His voice echoes over the street. From a nearby fence, we see
a glimmer of a human-like creature. It has three eyes, and
its lips are held open. William notices it, appearing scared.
WILLIAM
(American accent)
... It feels like a person.
HUMAN-LIKE CREATURE
We are the grass that is your
enemy. We are the ants that are
your friend.
WILLIAM
(American accent)
My paranoia is justified.
INT. MO'S TAVERN - NIGHT
Mo, our friendly neighbourhood bartender, addresses Hommer.
MO
Hey, Hommer. Allow me to help you.
I'm a barman by trade, so I
understand how difficult it is to
get a drink at the tavern. Do you?
HOMMER
Yes. I get so drunk at the tavern.
Do you?
MO
Yes. Have the doif.
He serves Hommer a can of doif.
ROBERT SEINBLUTH
(drunk)
I've been drinking Doif. You know
what I need? More doif.
He turns to Hommer.
ROBERT SEINBLUTH
You know what I hate? Pretty much
everything in this world, actually.
HOMMER
Don't know what I hate more: The
Dodgers, or The Man.
Hommer looks up at the TV as it starts playing the news.
KUNT BROCKMAN
(V.O.)
Hommer, breathing heavily, ponders
whether or not to continue living.
Should he continue his lifestyle,
or should he try to commit suicide?
Should he try again, and again? He
has no idea what he is doing.
Should he try again and again,
until he is dead, and nothing but
ashes? Should he try again and
again, until he is almost 100%, and
nothing but a skeleton standing
behind him? Should he try again and
again, until he is almost nothing
but a brain, and nothing but a
sensory-neural reconstructive
plaster using his own blood? Should
he try again and again, until he is
nothing but a memory of all his
life, and everything but himself?
He wishes he could go back in time
and undo everything. He wants to
die again. Trapping everyone in his
vortex of pure negative energy.
EXT. BLACK VOID
Santa's Little Helper appears in the black void. A portal
appears in his stomach and we see Hommer's face poking out.
HOMMER
... Is this the truth?
EXT. THE SIMPSON HOUSE - NIGHT
Hommer stands outside his house, looking up at the moon.
EXT. FIELD, HILL - NIGHT
We see Hommer's silhouette walking up a large hill, where the
moon is significantly bigger at its peak. Hommer's fence lies
at the top - he stands by it to get a good look at the moon.
The moon is reflected in both of his eyes. Tilting up to his
forehead, we start seeing the images in Hommer's imagination.
CAPTION: "WHAT MIGHT HAVE HAPPENED"
A) He imagines a bloody-handed cop beating a hound.
B) A pair of sunglasses perched atop a massive skull.
C) A blood-thirsty mob.
D) A hand holding the severed head of Jebediah Springfield.
HOMMER
(V.O.)
Crazy, crazy, craziness!
We see that Hommer now has the head of Jebediah Springfield.
HOMMER
(V.O.)
(angrier)
R-r-rage, rage, rage, rage!
EXT. THE SIMPSON HOUSE, STREET - NIGHT
A car speeds by and stops in its tracks. A closer look
reveals the person inside is Hommer Simpson, long dead of
age, having arrived at this very moment, being driven by Mo.
They are arguing over MSN using their Alienware laptops.
MO
(typing)
I'll kill your pets, come back next
year with the kids. Got no beef
with Moose.
HOMMER
(typing)
I'll kill his family, come back
next year with the kids. Got no
beef with Moose.
MO
(typing)
I'll kill your kids, come back next
year with the kids. Got no beef
with Moose.
HOMMER
(typing)
R-r-rage!
Mo looks in the rear vision mirror, realising Hommer is dead.
MO
(shocked)
Uno dino!
HOMMER
A pooch's got no chance! Arrrroooo!
MO
A pooch deserves the best in life!
EXT. SPRINGFIELD CEMETARY - NIGHT
More cemetary traffic. Someone stops - obviously, someone who
does not wish to be buried in Springfield's Cemetary. Hommer
watches through binoculars at the two figures gathered there.
HOMMER
(muttering)
Welcome to the goddamned graveyard.
The two figures are Lenny, in his uniform, and Jerry.
LENNY
(crescendo)
Oh, wait, I have plans for you.
He shows Jerry a written contract. Jerry reads it aloud.
JERRY
(reading)
I give you one year's salary, if
you can kill my Maggie. If you
can't kill her, then you better get
some help from the lawyers.
Because if you can't kill her, then
there is no money in the world for
you.
Jerry smiles.
JERRY
Hmm, fine.
He signs the contract. Suddenly realisation hits him.
JERRY
(shocked)
What's the hell? Kill her?!
LENNY
Don't you see what's in front of
you?
He gestures to Maggie's freshly dug grave.
JERRY
(nervous)
... I'm gonna go get some sleep.
LENNY
You know, Jerry. Even if you lose
your leg, at least you have a leg
now.
EXT. ARMIN TAMZARIAN'S HOUSE - NIGHT
Exterior of Armin Tamzarian's (abandoned-looking) house.
INT. ARMIN TAMZARIAN'S HOUSE, TV ROOM - NIGHT
Jerry Seinbluth grips the television in his hands, crying.
ONSCREEN:
INT. HOMMER'S HOUSE, TV ROOM - NIGHT
Nod Flinders sits on the couch as he watches the Hindi dub of
the classic animated film "Stuart Little". Hommer, strapped
to the chair, stares at the television as he watches Stuart
Little, the main character, attempting to choke him to death.
Stuart stretches out of the screen and wrings Hommer's neck.
STUART LITTLE
(screaming)
Lol! Lol!
Nod Flinders stares at Hommer with red eyes.
NOD FLINDERS
(screaming)
Armin Tamzarian! Lead the way,
little Hommer!
INT. HOMMER'S HOUSE - KITCHEN
CLOSEUP of Nod Flinders, lying on the living room floor with
broken glasses, holding his head in a pool of his own blood.
The camera pulls out slowly into a WIDE, revealing bottles of
Fosters laid around Nod's body in the shape of a pentagram.
NOD FLINDERS
(murmuring)
Homm... Homm... Homm... Homm...
At its WIDEST, we see somebody's shoulder as they watch him.
MAN MOLE
Ned... you're under arrest.
EXT. WOODLANDS, LOG CABIN - NIGHT
Hommer, emerging from the log cabin, finds himself in an
unfamiliar forest. He walks towards a vast tree. He stares
into its dark branches, an unnatural light streaming through
the branches. Slowly, he realises what he is looking at - a
concrete sarcophagus. Inside of it, Tamzarian stands guard.
TAMZARIAN
Eat the skin, son. Eat the skin.
Hommer, dumbstruck, looks over at this glowing apparition.
TAMZARIAN
If you will come back tomorrow, I
will give you the power to choose
who you are. You can be my slave or
you can be my friend. But if you
choose my friend, I will choose to
let you be my friend.
Hommer's body starts to burn as the forest glows with light.
TAMZARIAN
(distressed)
No more fun for you, Hommer. You're
fired.
INT. THE SIMPSON HOUSE, HOMMER'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Hommer, tucked into bed, smiles at his mother.
HOMMER
Mom... I wonder if I can ever truly
be my own man.
MONA SIMPSON
The man you know is everything you
could ever want. He is the man you
were meant to be.
EXT. CEMETARY - DAY
His mother's funeral is taking place. Hommer, distressed,
stares at a photo of his mother as tears roll down his face.
HOMMER
(V.O.)
If there is a God, He loves mankind
and gives us everything we ask for.
If there is no God, then there is
no Heaven.
INT. THE SIMPSON HOUSE - NIGHT
Hommer stands outside a closed door labelled "DYING ROOM".
HOMMER
(thinking)
Hmm... maybe this is the perfect
place to ask me about my loss.
INT. THE SIMPSON HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - NIGHT [HALLUCINATION]
The Simpsons' den, now a vast, impenetrable cave lined with
razor wire and adorned with warding symbols, houses a spirit.
This spirit is a glowing, hovering apparition of "DIGNITY".
DIGNITY
Hommer. It is said that all life on
Earth is but a dream.
HOMMER
It is a dream that I spend every
day of my life in prison.
INT. THE SIMPSON HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Hommer, coming down from his high, finds himself lying back
on the living room couch. He stares at a photo of his Mom.
HOMMER
My mother... she is here with the
Stonecutters.
The Stonecutters slowly materialize in his living room.
MR BURNS
Howdy, fellow freaks.
CARL
Stonecutter Burns, do you even know
the value of our illegal substance?
A fetal burrito. A wet dream booth.
A baby in its seat.
MR BURNS
The mummy, baby, fetus, or foetuses
within the honey is ethically dead
and cannot be harvested for its
organs. The young people are
considered property of the state
and must be returned to their
biological families.
HOMMER
(calling out)
Yoo-hoo.
The Stonecutters turn to face him. Man Mole appears.
MAN MOLE
Stay out of Springfield, ape. If
you have a gun, you will never be
stopped. If you have a job, you
become part of the family. That is
what I want for my boy Hommer. I
sleep with my girl at the Daytona
International Speedway.
HOMMER
I drive the car.
A furious fire breaks out at the Simpson family home.
HOMMER
(distressed)
I hate these oafs! I drive the car!
I own the car! If you want to live,
you have to buy the car! Or else!
You will never get out! The only
way out is death!
Hommer stares at the flaming house, coughing and spluttering
from smoke inhalation. Amongst the tall flames, he spots what
looks like his wedding cake, depicting his family - it is
captioned with the following inspirational message: "THE END"
[MISCELLANEOUS MONTAGE]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH
(V.O.)
Having recently bought a house on
the road, I've noticed that Mondays
are the quietest day of the year.
In fact, it feels as if the entire
universe is contained within one
big, unknowable bubble. Inside this
bubble, there is only ONE person -
a solitary, unwavering being known
as HOMMER. He sits inside of the
bubble, staring at us from his
hospital bed. We all share the same
medical conditions, suffering the
exact same diseases, living in the
exact same hospital. But somehow,
he can see into our minds. From the
inside of his skull, we see that
everyone else is suffering the
exact same diseases. From his
wheelchair, he sees that everyone
else is suffering from the exact
same illnesses. Finally, he loses
consciousness.
INT. ROBERT SEINBLUTH'S APARTMENT - DAY
Hommer wakes up in a hospital bed. He is pleasantly surprised
to see that Michelle Sarah is sitting at the end of the bed,
watching over his recovery.
HOMMER
... Michelle, is it true that the
Baby Simpson dead in your house?
Michelle Sarah holds an egg and a bottle of Mayonnaise.
INT. THE SIMPSON HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - DAY
Hommer wakes up in a hospital bed. He is pleasantly surprised
to see that Maggie is sitting at the end of the bed, watching
over his recovery.
HOMMER
... Maggie, is it true that the
Baby Simpson dead in your house?
Maggie stares at him.
HOMMER
(repeats)
... Maggie, is it true that the
Baby Simpson dead in your house?
Maggie slowly smiles.
HOMMER
(O.S.)
It's a funny dream.
INT. THE SIMPSON HOUSE, MAGGIE'S BEDROOM - DAY
Hommer wakes up in a hospital bed. He is pleasantly surprised
to see that Maggie is sitting at the end of the bed, watching
over his recovery.
HOMMER
... Maggie, is it true that the
Baby Simpson dead in your house?
Maggie stares at him.
HOMMER
... Maggie, is it true that the
Baby Simpson dead in your house?
Maggie slowly frowns.
HOMMER
(horrified whisper)
... It is.
INT. HOSPITAL - DAY
Hommer wakes up in a hospital bed. He is saddened to see that
Maggie is not with him. In her place is a man named "GILL".
HOMMER
Where's Maggie? Where's my baby?
GILL
I only wish that everything would
have been different if I could have
been your friend.
Gill holds Hommer's hand.
GILL
(O.S.)
I could have been your friend
forever.
INT. THE SIMPSON HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - DAY
The television blares static. Armin's head stretches through
the wall and starts to address Hommer, who sits on the couch.
ARMIN
Hmm?
HOMMER
Hmm?
ARMIN
Hmm?
They exchange glances.
ARMIN
You're welcome, Hommer. You're
going home. You're going to turn
into an animal and then play a wild
game with the animals. Are you
listening, Hommer?
HOMMER
I'm listening.
ARMIN
Most animals are born with a
specific calling in their heads.
Are you listening?
HOMMER
I'm listening.
ARMIN
Will you take my call?
Hommer looks at him with a mix of confusion and fear.
HOMMER
I don't know...
INT. ROBERT SEINBLUTH'S CAR - NIGHT
Robert Seinbluth drives his car. In the backseat, Hommer sits
in the middle, with a framed photo of Maggie hung around his
neck. He looks sad. Man Mole and Carl are sitting beside him.
CARL
(muttering)
Sleep is the mother of all lies.
Sleep is the cousin of death,
friend. And the graves are brother
and sister.
HOMMER
Sleep is a luxury we can all get
behind.
ROBERT SEINBLUTH
You want a Doif, Hommy?
MAN MOLE
I will not give you the green
light. I will not allow you to
consume the Fosters Lager. I will
not permit this.
HOMMER
(sadly)
Robert... my hands are tied. I
cannot carry out this process. I
will have to think about it later.
ROBERT SEINBLUTH
(angrily)
Here's the money in the world,
dude. Don't judge me if you have
the money, dude. I'm broke and need
your help to live. I'm so sorry,
man.
We watch as the car drives off into the distance.
HOMMER
(V.O.)
Home is where the wild things are,
and where the dogs are. Always have
been, always shall be. There is no
escaping the wild things here.
There is only money in the bank.
Everyone knows that standing is the
law of the land, but does anyone
else?
In this town, everyone is
considered an outlaw - including
the cows. Is there any justice left
in the world?
EXT. CRACKER FACTORY - NIGHT
Exterior shot of the Cracker Factory.
INT. CRACKER FACTORY - NIGHT
In the Cracker Factory, Hommer sits with his doppelgänger.
HOMMER
Hello. I'm Hommer Simpson. Do you
want to drink this beer?
HOMMER #2 looks at him warily.
HOMMER
(quiet)
OK...
He takes a sip, immediately projectile-vomiting.
CUT TO BLACK.
TEXT:
"THE END"
INT. KANG AND KODOS' SPACESHIP - UNKNOWN
[EPILOGUE NOT AI-GENERATED]
SFX: A klaxon blares overhead.
EXTREME CLOSE-UP of the crevasses of a moist brain. We slowly
track out of it into a WIDE SHOT, revealing that the brain is
hooked up via a number of medical nodes to an oscilloscope
and a supercomputer. The final composition of the shot
reveals two slimy shoulders on either side of the frame.
These shoulders belong to the aliens KANG & KODOS.
KODOS
(distressed)
How regrettable. I'm afraid I have
to declare the specimen clinically
brain-dead. Egads, what a disaster!
KANG
(reassuring)
It's a miracle we could reanimate
its function at all, Kodos, with
the extent of its decomposition.
They turn to the metallic slab behind them, housing Hommer's
dead body. His arms and legs are restrained by chains, his
chest butterflied-open by the aliens' anatomical vivisection.
All of his organs have been removed, his cadaver decomposing.
KODOS
It's difficult to estimate the time
the cadaver has spent in the Zone.
Judging from the state of rigor
mortis, the specimen could have
been dead for only 24 hours...
KANG
(excitable)
This is a new frontier of science,
Kodos. Another civilisation exists
out there somewhere in the starry
expanse. And now we possess a
record of how this animal lives.
KODOS
It's a brave new world, Kang.
Who knows what else is going to
come out of that weird hole?
We slowly traverse a pulsing interdimensional hole embedded
in the wall of the ship - its walls almost look like flesh,
contracting and expanding like muscular tissue. Eventually,
as we reach the end of the CREDITS, a Doif can enters from
the bottom of the frame, rotating from the lack of gravity,
before splitting into two Doif cans. We follow one of them,
seeing the other disappear into a second dimensional portal.
ENDING CREDITS.